I’m not dead! I am, however, lazy, so I’ve decided to rethink this thing until I can get back into the swing of blogging.
So, for the next while, I’m going to be posting short yet informative posts about types of statuses that everyone loves, everyone hates, and otherwise. I’ll attempt to make a once-a-day schedule.
Stay tuned.
Before I get on with the actually important parts of this post, I would like to point out my own incompetence. The topic I am about to cover stopped being relevant or existent about 5 days ago, which is almost forever in Facebook time.
To explain it with pictures and a pun or two, this is what I am:
But this is what I should be:
And now I actually start the post.
Why the ‘Q & A’ Status Fad is stupid
Remember that time when your teacher said that you could be anything you wanted? And your mind continually jumped back and forth between the career choices of President, a motorcycle, and Batman? Do you remember how it felt when you came home to your slightly inebriated parents only for them to tell you that you couldn’t be any of these things, due to your lack of political prowess, internal combustion, and dead parents?
I don’t, because I had a good childhood. However, the point that I’m trying to make here is that disappointment sucks. And what is disappointment exactly? Disappointment is when expectations do not live up to reality. In the previous example, the expectation is that you’ll become the first masked world leader who can go from 0 to 60 in 7 seconds. The reality is that you’re reading this from your cubicle three years after the day that I post this while I’m rich and famous and you’re wondering “Where did he start out?”.
We’ll get back to the subject of disappointment in a paragraph or two, but first a short explanation. A few days ago, starting in a period of just an hour or so, at least 15 people began serially posting this whole “Q & A” fad status. How it would work is they would say “Ask me questions!” in a status, and then people would inbox them questions. They would subsequently post the question and answer, but not the person who asked, as a status. This fad is almost invariably a disappointment to both the poster and the readers. First, here’s how it happens for the poster, in terms of how the reality and the expectations compare:
The poster is hoping that the prospect of anonymity to all but themself will be just enough for all of the millionaires and women to reveal that they really just want to give them their money and love, not actually ask a question. This sounds a little bit out there, but it was definitely a trend that I witnessed.
If the poster doesn’t have this type of unrealistic expectation, then they usually have the equally unrealistic expectation that someone will ask a generally interesting question. Which won’t happen. The poster instead is confronted with a few different types of stupid questions:
The Pointless:
The Spam:
And The Overly Revealing:
But you will post and post and post these anyways, because if you don’t, then the girl/millionaire/girllionaire from your unrealistic expectations would be discouraged from asking a question, thinking that it would go unanswered.
And so your wall is soon covered in boringness, inappropriateness, and evidence while your mind is filled with disappointment and you ride away in a cop car.
Oh, but don’t go thinking that this is just disappointing to yourself, and that it’s something that you can get away with if you’re okay with it. These sorts of statuses are focused at only two people, the poster himself and the asker. And so you contribute to the ever-growing pile of statuses that no one cares about. It’s like if Shakespeare filled The Two Noble Kinsmen with inside jokes. (Note: I have never read The Two Noble Kinsmen) While you may be thinking, “But it’s just a few statuses! What harm could that do?”, I will soon enough be discussing how angry a little bit of e-detritus can make people.
But not now.
So stay tuned.
So the point is, your Q & A status will disappoint everyone and maybe even get you arrested.
P.S. Some of my approximately 3 readers may note that this article has a pointedly male perspective. In my defense, girls have cooties.
P.P.S. All apologies to Sarah Chalke, Mr. and Mrs. Hillary Clinton, and Our Fearless Leader for use of their likeness in my dumb photos.
Welcome to my new blog, which I affectionately refer to as The Like Button. This is because, for reasons I will explain in later posts, that little blue “like” under each post is one of the most thought-provoking and complex facets of this whole “world wide intertubes” or whatever the kids these days are calling it.
But that’s a story for another day. The story for today is that of procrastination. You see, this isn’t really my first post. This is an excuse for why my first real post is late. And so, without further ado, here is something that isn’t funny.
My thoughts on the abbreviation “LOL”
Remember back in the late ’90s and early ’00s? Back when Instant Messaging was the big new wave of the future? America Online was not only actually called “America Online”, but also kept America, in fact, online?
No, of course you don’t. You were too busy watching SpongeBob SquarePants and consuming large amounts of sugar. Maybe you were different, but I know for a fact that my only interactions with computers at the time were watching my sister play Commander Keen and listening to the dial-up dial up.
What was happening during this time, whilst we were off in neighborhood backyards exploring, was the birth of a new way to speak. A new language entirely, which held its roots in two of the most popular American languages, English and Illiteracy. Nowadays you probably hear this refered to as textspeak, chatspeak, or stupidity.
And now let’s trace the evolution of one of the textspeak long-runners, “LOL”
PHASE 1
L.O.L. - “That made me literally ‘Laugh Out Loud’!”
“That scene where Bambi’s mother died made me LOL”
PHASE 2
L.O.L. - “You have incited chuckling, good sir”/”This sentence is boring”
“Yeah, I guess chickens do have strange motives for crossing roads, LOL”/”I’m currently sitting at my computer LOL”
PHASE 3
L.O.L. - “No offense”
This has been a subtle change, and it still has not fully moved on from Phase 2, nor will it ever. I have been observing peoples responses to that whole “Q&A” fad that ended a few days ago which I have yet to post my post about. One of the things I noticed that was more or less unrelated to my studies was that when harsh subject matter was dealt with, people would try to soften the blow with a good ol’ lowercase “lol” at the end of the sentence.
Here, look at some examples.
“You should do something about your acne lol” … “lol, just wondering why you hate me” … “I’m pregnant, haha, lol”
While I must admit I’m not providing very good examples, you have to admit that it seems to be trying, and at least slightly succeeding, at softening the blow of some harshity. However, since I’ve been overthinking it, I have developed a sort of automatic unpleasant response to a Phase 3 LOL
Quick, imagine someone is starting a sentence with “no offense”. Now stop imagining because I’m just going to tell you what to think. You automatically think “How dare you offend me, you insolent clod?” or something along those lines, because you desperately want to have a comeback ready during the argument this time, instead of in the bathroom after someone just totally told you off and all you could do is make such eloquent comments as “no” and “shut up”.
LOOK AT ME, WRITING AND WRITING UNTIL I RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY AND CAN’T REMEMBER MY POINT.
Well, I’ll figure out where I was going with all of this later. For now it’s at least something to think about.
P.S. I meant to use the word “Lugubrious” in this post.
P.P.S. Lugubrious
This is a story about you, me, and our three hundred and thirty-seven mutual friends.
